Winter anxieties & The power of persistence
My winter quarter began with a period of fairly intense anxiety that began around the beginning of the year and lasted for about the first week of classes or so, though it fluctuated somewhat. Although I understood a few of the reasons I may have been anxious - for instance, concerns about my public perception regarding my design website, which is a work in progress - my anxiety felt so out of proportion to my concerns and so consistent that it did not make sense to me. Naturally, this posed a challenge to my wellbeing and ability to function as the quarter began, and my stress reinforced itself as I wondered if and when it would go away and how it would impact my ability to succeed in my classes or my new job (more on those later). Thankfully, my anxiety soon faded for no clear apparent reason and I was able to continue my quarter with much more ease. This showed to me the power of persistence - of remembering the good times, of knowing that all things come to an end and change, and life circumstances or emotions are never static. Although I was able to help myself somewhat through emotional processing and cultivating a relaxing environment, things seemed to change for the better for no apparent reason, and I was glad that I persevered and believed in the ability for my circumstance to change.
L ARCH 402 – URBAN SITES STUDIO & L ARCH 440 - Digital media I
L ARCH 402 was a significantly better experience for me than L ARCH 401 in some ways, and, in others, posed many of the same challenges. The coursework and mediums were easier for me to understand - the work was less abstract, and the abstract work was more concise in its guidelines and goals - and the mediums of cardboard and simple digital drawing were easy for me to grasp and aesthetically pleasing to me.
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Also, both professors were engaging, kind, and brought helpful insight and ideas. The lead professor brought ideas of narrative landscapes - embedding stories in landscapes, deep sections - looking beneath the surface to reveal the infrastructures and systems that occur belowground in landscapes, and depaving - removing pavement to create space for new uses of sites, all of which were very engaging and interesting to me and aligned with my interests in landscape design.
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However, like L ARCH 401 but perhaps more extreme, L ARCH 402 was an extremely taxing course with high demands of students. Many assignments were due the next day of class, giving us two days to complete them. These assignments would stack, and often we would have five or so class days before we had a day where an assignment wouldn't be due. This was especially the case for the first project (which was the first half of the course) - the second, thankfully, was somewhat more relaxed. Students (of course, including myself) often stayed late hours near when projects were due - I stayed in studio past midnight probably over a dozen days throughout the quarter. This course worked hand in hand with L ARCH 440, Digital Media I. L ARCH 440 taught us representation skills from a broad array of digital programs, from Adobe Photoshop to AutoCAD to Lumion, a 3D rendering software that students can use to produce highly realistic views of landscapes.
While I am glad that I learned so much, the cost to my mental and physical health was not worth it to me. After the first project, I began to have trouble sleeping, and, even when I tried to go to bed early, would often stay awake until 1:00 or 2:00, and I seemed to lose the breathing space in between days that allows us to understand them as they are; to contextualize them. Instead, my quarter became a blur, spent in studio or thinking about my studio project or trying to sleep so I wouldn't be too exhausted to work in studio. When I wanted to be spending time with friends, truly present, instead I was often on my laptop, trying to do homework. Toward the end of the quarter, I felt very burnt out and drained, and was working on and stressed about my final studio project. This coincided with my parents visiting town and a major event for my job (which I will talk about later). Although I was excited about these things, I was so exhausted and stressed that I wasn't able to fully enjoy them, and experiences that otherwise would have been very joyful were only able to pull me away from sadness, negativity, and self-doubt.
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Although I attribute most of my pain to the workload of my course, I could attribute a lot of it to my own reaction to the circumstances. A lot of other students seemed to have as many or more responsibilities as I did, and yet didn't seem to suffer as much (although of course we weren't consistently honest about how we were feeling). Part of my suffering came from my own high standards and personal desire to produce work that I was proud of, which wasn't met due to short turn-around times for projects. I definitely could benefit from becoming more accepting of my work and what I'm able to achieve under strenuous circumstances, and trusting that I will find a way without expecting the impossible from myself. I also suffered a lot due to my cynicism and understanding of global systems (governments, economies) as hurtling toward climate catastrophe with only minor attempts to correct course. When my own program of landscape architecture - one certainly deeply tied to the environment - seemed not sufficiently concerned with environmental sustainability, yet alone the sustainability of its demands on students or staff, I felt like even my passion and the place I spent most of my time did not reflect my values or desires, so I did not feel particularly well-situated there (although I do like my fellow students and have a lot of fun with them - I'm referring to how I feel not in the program as a community but as an institution).
However, I should have patience with others, who are often trying to do their best under faulty systems, even when their mistakes may hurt me or seem ineffective. I too often feel like I don't do what I want to, either due to cowardice, lack of foresight, impulsivity, or factors outside of my control. I remember students talking to the landscape architecture professor about lack of sleep, and she said something (not coldly) along the lines of "tell me about it" - indicating that she suffered from the same issues due to her workload as a professor. Those who perpetuate harmful norms often suffer under those same norms. Though I mostly found this realization bleak, I also use it as a way to recognize the humanity of others and to have patience. I feel like I'm far from striking the balance of being both critical of harmful norms and systems while remaining loving of those who participate in them and perpetuate in them. I don't feel like I have the answers, but I hope through perseverance I will one day be able to push for what is right while loving those who I see as upholding what isn't, and to maintain my own emotional wellbeing despite what feels like immersion in a society on a collision course.
HONORS 221 C - Game Theory
My Honors class, Honors 221 C, was very fun and engaging. The professor this class, Dr. Cooper, was engaging and passionate. We began the class with a crash course on game theory, where we learned the basics of the field. What follows is not a technical description, just my understanding. Game theory is a system in which situations are modeled in games which can then be applied (often as a metaphor) to other situations in life. The most well-known game is the prisoner's dilemma, in which two people are incentivized to snitch on the other for their own benefit even though this risks a bad outcome for both people. In game theory, 'utility' is what someone gains from a given interaction, and represents whatever a given person wants to receive. People are incentivized to move to whatever provides the most utility. At first, I saw this mindset as cynical and leading people toward short-sighted action for their own benefit, ignoring the long-term costs of seeing interactions as games with zero-sum winners.
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However, through involvement in the class, I saw some situations in which game theorists saw players (people with agency in a game) acting against their own self interest due to ego or other reasons. In some of these situations, more collective, peaceful action would truly be the better route, but players ignored it due to shortsightedness. This showed me that game theory wasn't necessarily a fundamentally flawed concept - it could be used to help people see the ways in which we sabotage cooperative behavior, and, hopefully, to choose a better path.
The class itself consisted of discussions with teammates - groups of four who played many games together, games with other teams, and lectures full of engaging and interesting studies. This class always managed to lift my spirits - I'm glad I took it!
THE BURKE MEADOW
This quarter marked my first quarter working with the Burke Museum as the Meadow Caretaker. I was offered this position due to my passion for native plants and culturally tended landscapes and am excited that I get to contribute to a project I've been passionate about since before I set foot on campus as a student. My boss and coworkers are all passionate and compassionate people, and I'm glad I get to work alongside them. The highlight of this job was the participation in the creation of several 'baskets' which protect camas (a traditional staple food for local Indigenous peoples) plants from feral rabbits. This project was a collaborative effort with the tribal liaison of the Burke Museum, Indigenous food sovereignty students, fellow Landscape Architecture students that also worked with the Burke Meadow project, and other volunteers. More is planned for the spring, which I look forward to sharing about later!
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cherishing the beauty wherever i find it
Although my quarter was warped by the difficulties of the extreme workload of my Landscape Architecture classes, I enjoyed many moments of joy, connection, and inspiration. Many of my highlights revolved around music - I experienced a truly ecstatic night going with one of my closest friends to an EDEN concert, an artist I have been a fan of for years and also the reason I met my friend who joined me at the concert. I met other fun and friendly people at the concert, some whom I met again or will likely meet again at future concerts. This night was amazing on its own, but the memory and joy it brought lifted my spirits for many days after.
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Another source of joy in winter quarter was the experience of volunteering for Street Chaplaincy with Christ Church Seattle, the church I attend (although I only attended a few times this quarter due to busyness in school). For Street Chaplaincy, I walk up and down 'the ave', a major street in Seattle's University District, and hand out a bag of supplies to unhoused people and other people in need in the neighborhood. Over time, some faces become familiar, and you meet people with their own unique personalities and eccentricity. Some are joyful and grateful despite the odds; others are bitter or suffer from extreme mental illness and may say unintelligible or nonsensical things. While it is challenging to see so many people in pain and need due to the failures of our society, I saw how truly simple it can be to make a positive difference. To those whom much is given, much is required (Luke 12:48), and those with means or time to spare can turn almost any direction they look and see a place to put their energy and attention to.
From a young age, I excelled academically and felt that that was a place I could rely on for my self-fulfillment and self-esteem when I felt inadequate in other ways; socially, romantically, in my appearance. The Landscape Architecture program has been challenging, and I often do not have the same pride in my work that I am used to. However, life still provides many joys, whether it be the joy of friendship and connection or something as simple as the beauty of the rays of a streetlight passing over me on a misty night. Cynicism and burnout can cloud my ability to see the beauty of the world, as can expectation - expecting it from one place or another while neglecting what lies in front of me. Hopefully, with practice and open-heartedness, I can continue to cherish and enjoy the love I am gifted simply by being a human on this earth, and do my best to hone my gifts and passions without expecting perfection.
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